After meeting my accountant at Barnes & Noble, we walked over to eat at California Pizza Kitchen, then on to Ross to pick up some birthday presents.
The girls ran off to try on clothes and Micah and I perused the toddler section.
As were looking at cute little boy shirts with super hero prints, and pastel plaid. A woman comes up to me and says she felt my energy from across the room and was wondering if she coudld share something with me about what she was sensing. Then she goes on to say:
" I get this feeling that you have given soo much of yourself to others that you keep very little for yourself. I feel like you have experienced much pain but you walk tall and you smile and hide the pain you feel, almost all the time. You feel like your pain is a burden on others so you keep it to yoursel. You dont trust people with your pain, you feel like it makes you vulnerable so you hide it so you can keep your power and strength. I feel like you are not happy, like you used to be, and you feel numb, and the only happiness you find right now is in your children. I feel like you have lost you. You have tried many things to find happiness and those things didnt work and you very frustrated that you dont know how to meet your huge potential. I feel your calling is so much bigger than you can understand in this realm. I feel like this numbness is making you lose time, like it is flying by and you arent feeling anything.But that you find feeling, in the love of your children"
That wasnt verbatim, but it was close. and at first, I was ready to laugh at her attempt to con me out of money, but she didnt ask for money. BY the time she was done I felt like she hit a raw spot on my heart.
I HAVE been feeling VERY NUMB and I couldnt figure out what was wrong with me.
I have so much to FEEL about but some of it hurts and is scary so I march forward with my head high with this great pride in my ability to be numb. That it makes me stronger, not to feel. But I do feel, and at the core of it all I am not a tough numb person who can't be broken, I am soft and vulnerable, and lonely. I find my joy in my children, she WAS SOOO right about that. I find my joy in their laughter and love. Because I dont know where my joy went! Somewhere between San Francisco and here, my joy disappeared.
Dont get me wrong, I love my life I really do love every bit about it, but something is gone, something is missing I dont know what it is.
It might be something as simple as, I miss my Dad. I am so close to him, I HATE being soo far from him.And I am afraid something will happen to him.
It might be that for many years my daughter and were soo close we kept nothing from eachother and and she was my other half, two peas in a pod, twin spirits, and now she keeps things from me out of fear I will judge here, when she is my favorite human on this planet and could not would not judge her but would give her my honest opinion about whatever it is because I am her Mother.
It might be that my relationship that was once the most beautiful connection I have ever seen or witnessed in my life, went wrong somewhere and we folded under the pressure and stress of our lives and I can't understand why and I did everything in my power to save it. BUt we still love eachother madly, but can't figure out how to bring ourselves back to the center.
It could be that I am too wrapped up in my busy life that I dont have time to figure out why my happiness has slipped away.
I know it is not anyone elses job to bring me back my joy, NO one can give it back to me, only I can do that. I just have to figure out how.