Week 1 of Training

Well I survived my first night of intense training with Troy Diesel.

 

This guy completely kicked my ASS last night.

We did a variety of circuit training and other things I dont even know what they would be called other than torture, lol, and by the end of the hour I thought I was going to collapse.

 

I did almost throw up, and my shoulder and legs wanted to quit but I kept pushing.

 

I kept imagining that my fat was melting with each rep or each lunge or each, whatever. Cause it is.

 

He kept saying 15 more, and I would look at him like, uh, are you kidding? But I kept going and today I feel like I was hit by a semi-truck but I feel damn good and by the end of this summer, you arent even going to believe the transformation I will have made this to Troy-Diesel here, and my new diet. Yowza, hot mama coming! Stay tuned!

Intentions

What is your intention today?

To be happy?

To be focused?

To be kind?

To be healthy?

To be a good daughter?

Friend?

Coworker?

Start each day with an intention and  hold yourself accountable for meeting your intention.

Today, my intention is - no negativity leaves my lips.

Swim im positive words and speak only to build and never to destroy.

Fashion Blog

I think I am going to start blogging about fashion for curvy thirties! I put soo much time into finding pieces that fit and work with my body type I might as well share the process incase anyone out there is interested:)

Why the heck not, I love fashion it is soo much fun! Maybe my first post will be tonight even:)

Dedicated to MY Giants

I had a conversation with a friend at work, regarding a movement of celebrating the "Giant's" in our lives who lifted us up over our obstacles and made drastic differences in the essence of all that we are.

These giants are friends, family, anyone who comes into our life and leaves us more elevated then when we first met them.

These are the people you know, have your best interest as their goal, and they are determined to celebrate your overcoming trials rather than celebrate your trials. People that remind you of your potential, and of your light and being.

Many times throughout my life, I wondered why I was so empowered, filled with strength, love and courage. I didn't understand why my spirit didn't match my circumstances.

I survived so much pain and in the midst of it, felt like something soo much bigger than the struggle, was meant for me, waiting for me.

I realize this is due to my GIANTS! OH and I have many:)


My Father the person who reminds me that laughter is key to happiness and that family comes first, always.
GOD for having big plans for me since day 1.
Leah - for always believing that I am so much bigger than I realize.
My Daughter Teihani - the one who thinks the world of me and makes me laugh, and inspires me to thrive to be a better person every day because she has the biggest heart I have ever seen in my life.
My Mom her kindness, her innocence and her story of survival and struggle
My Soul Sister Suzanne: For her listening ear, advice, and her voice of reason and strength
My Big Sister Thao: For being one I can tell any and everything to and who I can call at 4:10 in the morning and she will be there no matter what.
The Love of my Life- Rico: no matter what we struggle through he will always be the love of my life and the one who gets me.
Capoeira: it brought me through the passing of my ex, through sad days, through physical and health problems, it gave so much to our lives I will forever be indebted to Capoeira and they friends we met along the way.
Jason B: God's soldier who is like a Brother to me, who is always there when I need a listening ear or a person to pray with.
Elijah: Whos belief in what LOVE and Family is, inspires me everyday to be the glue that bonds my family together. Never have I met a young man soo vigilant for what FAMILY means, because he is deeply dedicated to his son and future wife.

To be continued.......

lovestrong

Embellished arms

ink stained skin

 kisses where your last name lies

my ears are yours for filling

with love      with words  

                                       with your air

wrapped in you

                                     in the early hours

when the sun first kisses the earth

I dream of

moments on beaches

that belonged to us
          
                              shoes sinking in wet sand

                     light blue

memories of laughing on
                       
                        cliffs

and dreaming into the tides

the world was ours

Your laughter fills my spirit and echos into my future

your smile is my dance

I know yours is

the
                       hand


           I will hold during my

                        last breath

Were gonna kick your ass!! (True Story)

Overheard in the hallways of the King County  Superior Court:

 

Plaintiff Counsel:  I don’t think you heard me, but my last demand is $250,000 or we will try this case.

Defense Counsel: Okay.

Plaintiff Counsel: No seriously, the jury is walking in and I am going to kick your ass.

Defense Counsel: Okay.

Plaintiff Counsel: No really, the jury is coming in and I am really serious about trying this case.

Defense Counsel: Okay.

Plaintiff Counsel: You must be stupid. The jury is walking in and my bottom line dollar is $100,000 or we will try this case.

Defense Counsel: Okay.

Plaintiff Counsel: I am really, really, really serious about this case. How about $5,000 or else we will try the case.

Defense Counsel: Okay.

Plaintiff Counsel: Now we are getting somewhere. I accept the $5,000.

Defense Counsel: No, I meant okay to trying the case.

Plaintiff Counsel: I don’t think you understand how serious we are about this case. The jury is here and I am going to kick not only your ass, but every ass in your law firm.  Give me your spare pocket change, and we get your 7^th round draft pick in next year’s draft of new lawyers.

Defense Counsel: Nope.

Plaintiff Counsel: Fine, we are dismissing your client and I am really serious about kicking your ass in the next case.

Who Am I?? By: Teihani Nataliah Cruz

                                    Who Am I?

I am Teihani Nataliah Cruz

Child of the free raging winds.

And deep glistening ocean.

Born and raised in Seattle by Wendy Cruz,

A beautiful Polynesian goddess and loving mother of three.

I am the granddaughter of Sandra Lee Kataoka.

An astoundingly resilient woman who will do everything in her power

To keep the people around her smiling.

I am the courageous older sibling of Micah Jose Israel

Who carries an intelligent soul that shines through his glowing smile,

And never fails to brighten my dull day.

My smiling cocoa eyes reflect the beaming hot sun

And my beautifully imperfect skin blends in with the tone of

Sun kissed caramel.

My curvy legs move to the beat of Brazilian drums

As words of wisdom escape my mind,

Quickly falling like the colorful leaves of fall.

I proudly stand at five feet tall,

With my head held so high I can look upon the

Rotating earth beneath me.

I am able to visibly imagine a brighter future

As I give every bit of strength into putting my dreams in action.

My vibrant senses instantly feel the pounding rhythm of my

Drumsticks

And the smooth touch of my fingers,

Spinning records that are guaranteed to keep the club live.

My mighty integrity is a trait passed down by my mother

And has never left my side throughout my existence.

The painful obstacles I’ve fought through in life

Have led me down the path to becoming the

Amazingly strong willed human I am today.

I live to watch the nature evolve around me

Along with the growth of myself and others.

I live for the freedom of speech,

And improvement of self-respect

Among teenagers just like me.

I live for my family, dreams,

And peace among the earth.

I was born a blessed child of god

With undiscovered powers that have been

Passed down through generations.

I am Teihani Nataliah Cruz.

Psychic at Ross (insert twilight zone music here)

After meeting my accountant at Barnes & Noble, we walked over to eat at California Pizza Kitchen, then on to Ross to pick up some birthday presents.

The girls ran off to try on clothes and Micah and I perused the toddler section.

As were looking at cute little boy shirts with super hero prints, and pastel plaid. A woman comes up to me and says she felt my energy from across the room and was wondering if she coudld share something with me about what she was sensing. Then she goes on to say:

" I get this feeling that you have given soo much of yourself to others that you keep very little for yourself.  I feel like you have experienced much pain but you walk tall and you smile and hide the pain you feel, almost all the time. You feel like your pain is a burden on others so you keep it to yoursel.  You dont trust people with your pain, you feel like it makes you vulnerable so you hide it so you can keep your power and strength.  I feel like you are not happy, like you used to be, and you feel numb, and the only happiness you find right now is in your children. I feel like you have lost you. You have tried many things to find happiness and those things didnt work and you very frustrated that you dont know how to meet your huge potential. I feel your calling is so much bigger than you can understand in this realm. I feel like this numbness is making you lose time, like it is flying by and you arent feeling anything.But that you find feeling, in the love of your children"

That wasnt verbatim, but it was close. and at first, I was ready to laugh at her attempt to con me out of money, but she didnt ask for money. BY the time she was done I felt like she hit a raw spot on my heart.

I HAVE been feeling VERY NUMB and I couldnt figure out what was wrong with me.

I have so much to FEEL about but some of it hurts and is scary so I march forward with my head high with this great pride in my ability to be numb. That it makes me stronger, not to feel. But I do feel, and at the core of it all I am not a tough numb person who can't be broken, I am soft and vulnerable, and lonely. I find my joy in my children, she WAS SOOO right about that. I find my joy in their laughter and love. Because I dont know where my joy went! Somewhere between San Francisco and here, my joy disappeared.

Dont get me wrong, I love my life I really do love every bit about it, but something is gone, something is missing I dont know what it is.

It might be something as simple as, I miss my Dad. I am so close to him, I HATE being soo far from him.And I am afraid something will happen to him.

It might be that for many years my daughter and were soo close we kept nothing from eachother and and she was my other half, two peas in a pod, twin spirits, and now she keeps things from me out of fear I will judge here, when she is my favorite human on this planet and could not would not judge her but would give her my honest opinion about whatever it is because I am her Mother.

It might be that my relationship that was once the most beautiful connection I have ever seen or witnessed in my life, went wrong somewhere and we folded under the pressure and stress of our lives and I can't understand why and I did everything in my power to save it. BUt we still love eachother madly, but can't figure out how to bring ourselves back to the center.

It could be that I am too wrapped up in my busy life that I dont have time to figure out why my happiness has slipped away.

I know it is not anyone elses job to bring me back my joy, NO one can give it back to me, only I can do that. I just have to figure out how.

The Big Day

I was doing some more research on preparing for Cochlear Implant Surgery. I even made myself watch a Youtube video and I didnt not get too dizzy this time.

Preparing for Surgery

I found this little template to help me with my book about our Journey, it is super cute and would have been great to give to Micah if he were a little older:)

I can't believe tomorrow is the big day. This weekend, I let Micah eat whatever he wanted:) We got his hair cut in preparation, since I am sure they will shave  that area, we opted for a  cute little feau hawk mo-hawk:) Its soo cute and my little boy now looks like a little boy not so much like a pretty little girl hehehe. It was sad to take his hair off but the new look is so darn adorable!

We went to church on Sunday where I prayed and prayed that the surgeon will have careful hands and that Micah recovers quickly and that I can actually go through with this. I actually get dizzy when I think about my baby being in pain, being swollen, and most of all being changed.. I know how this sounds to some parents, but this is how I feel....

Today I looked at him and he stared right into my eyes and his eyes welled up a bit but he wasn't crying and I was scared he was trying to tell me something..... Do you believe that sometimes you can hear your children even if they are not saying or signing anything? I do..

That maternal connection is very real.

Am I ever going to be okay with this? Am I going to forever wonder if this was the right thing to do? Or will he just thrive and be happy and I will realize all of this was just my own issues???

I don't know, but it is 12:16 AM on surgery day and I am working at the office. Because I can't sleep and because I have to keep busy so I don't panick.

IN just a few short hours I will have to hand my baby over to a nurse and wait for the most painful 2-4 hours of my LIFE until they tell me I can see him again.

Somewhere out there someone is in a much tougher spot than me- I have to be grateful and I have to be strong for my Micah.. KEEP IT TOGETHER WENDY it will all be okay!!

 

Oh my God look at this little face...

5 days

My emotions are all over the place.
But everyone else is so calm.

I find myself trying to mirror their calmness so I don't seem like a crazy person when I have to tell them about the procedure.

I want to say, hold on while I go faint. BRB.

My baby, is going under the knife, no matter how to say it, this is what I hear when anyone says surgery or procedure. (knife, knife and cut and my baby).......

Okay well got that off my chest-

On the upside of things, everyone is excited

and Rick and I both have time off after the surgery and

I will be able to snuggle him every minute of every day for a week.

I admit this, I try to remember how his eyes will light up when he hears our voices in
conjunction with signs. I cant wait to see how he connects the languages
and uses them both.

As far his first sounds, I am going to sing every cute little song I can think of and make him laugh and giggle and just hope and pray that it won't be scary for him.
In fact I am pretty sure his first sounds will startle him. I am hoping the audiologist lets me take lead on activation day to avoid loud noises that could freak him about but introduce sound softly to help warm him up to receiving them.
Sometimes you gotta strong arm these docs to remind them who is Mom!

Kaitlyn the Great:)

Kaitlyn, One of the Deaf Moms at HSDC did a presentation about parenting and interacting with ASL.
She and her husband followed their little girl around naturally and signed the normal interactive signs and engaged in ways I do with Micah.

I dont know why but since I am the emotional sap that I am, I totally fought back tears....  I am not Deaf, but I do the same things she does which tells me my heart and instinct are on point and that my visual interaction with Micah are what  a Deaf Mom would do and my heart melted with happiness and broke at the same time. Hard to explain....

I Love him. What can I say. I am grateful tgat am so in tuned with him.

it feels good to know I am doing something right:)

Plus-Sized Swag

It's not easy dressing ALLLL-a-DIS
For one, I have to find pants that fit my big ole booty, and vivacious thighs:)
But, I am also short, so I have to find curve fitting pants that dont bunch up all over my ankles.

This is NOT easy, but I have found some brands that work with me- JAG jeans/ all kinds of stuff in the TBD department at Nordies, and lots of online stores. Need to list those soon!

Micahs latest signs!!

Micah is signing Mom and saying Mama at the same time, with or without hearing aids, like a pro!
He signs- eat, more, light, balloon, ball, FISH - (fish is his favorite lately) shoes! Soo cute! Go little guy:) I love him to Reeses Pieces!

Its amazing to see his language just exploding and he is thriving in every way. It also feels good that we have respected both languages and have given each one time to grow and develop. Its been tough but its been beautiful and with each new sign and new word I realize the bilingual approach was just right for him!

April 30- quickly approaching

The big day is coming, in just a couple weeks.

Does it feel right? (sort of)
Does it scare the shit out of me? (HELLYES)
Do I still believe in our decision (yes)

I met a young lady last week at the Capoeira Womens Encounter event and she was profoundly Deaf. She spoke and lip reads and I somehow was able to spot her in the crowd pretty quickly.  We practiced together and sat together to eat and I asked her if she could sign. She said yes and we began to talk about Capoeira. She was pretty amazing, she is in college and trainins capoeira regularly.  I took the opportunity to talk to her about Micah's implant decision and she was fully supportive and was so happy that we are also using ASL with him.

She is Deaf, she was not implanted, she uses hearing aids and she is living a full wonderful life and has been taking speach therapy since she was 1 just like Micah.
Anyways, she inspired me and I was so glad to meet her!

Micah can do anything, any other child can do. I know many people don't know that life is limitless for him, some people assume he cant play sports, or drive, etc. But he can do anything but hear. All Deaf or hard of hearing children can!

vigilant

As I grow older, I am learning that I am a lover not a fighter and I am vigilant for my happiness and peace. When someone tries to dirsupt my peace I do not and will not tolerate it. If extending peace to them doesnt work, then it is much easier for me to walk away. You cannot force someone to find their peace and happiness, and you can not give soo much of yours to them that you have nothing left.

I am much happier with making a person smile, when they love to smile, or making a person laugh that loves laughter.

Our Journey - Micah and Cochlear Implants - Update

It has been a long difficult road for me. I say me, because everyone around me always seemed to know their decision on something I have had such a difficult time with.

 

Everyone else seems sure of what is best, or what is right.

 

I felt alone for a long time, trying to figure out what was best for Micah.
Trying to deal with my fears and issues around such an invasive procedure, and trying to decide if implanting Micah takes anything away from his beautiful Deaf identity and culture.

 

I researched, met people, dug and dug and dug, and waited for an answer.

 

I was anti-implant for a long long while, and on the fence for a long while.

 

As you know I spoke to many families, and learned all I could about Deaf culture and implants.

 

At one point, I saw another family that we know at the hospital about to implant their little baby girl, and I had another complete panic attack in the hospital, silently, without anyone knowing, and as I walked away from them as they went in to activate their childs implant, I started to sweat, and freak out and tears poured down my face as if they were doing something to harm and change her.

 

I thought to myself,

one less Deaf mentor.

 

Then I realized something a few days later, when I saw her again and she was laughing and smiling

and doing great.

 

That only her parents know, what is best for their child

Only her parents know because they love her and their decision was guided by love. Whatever their decision was. Because they are her parents, and we have to trust our instincts when we make a decision for our child, it is always out of love.

 

So my feelings changed.

 

 I know these people, they didn't implant her because they didn't want to learn her language, or culture, they are fluent signers.

They are deeply immersed in Deaf understanding, culture and language, and they didnt want to change her to make life easier on themselves, they just wanted to give her more.

 

More opportunities.

 

Not that Deaf people have less opportunity, anyone can do anything, but the set of opportunities for people that have access to sound can be a little different for hearing world and Deaf world.

 

Not better, not worse, just different.

 

Last weekned, Teihani and I went to Vegas for my 35th birthday.

We sat down in the Venetian to enjoy some delightful pastries from the Bouchon Bakery and next to us there was a little girl about 2 years old, gleefully singing at the top of her lungs, mimicking the canal singer that was belting out something in Italian while steering the little gondola down

the man-made canal.

 

Singing and singing and singing while Teihani and I giggled and talked about how she would be a future singer.

 

I came across a thought, that Micah could have been next to the little girl and not hear the gondola singer, not hear her, not hear us laugh and be in a silent moment, a peaceful beautiful one, but a silent one nonetheless, or in any park surrounded by children, who don't sign or know any ASL. I envisioned him frustrated because trying to communicate with them that he wants to play or be friends, and I won't always be there to advocate at every moment. I know he will be capable of

finding a way. But I want him to feel a part of things, like a part of the groups he encounters.

Not alone.

 

He needs to be able to meet new friends in the middle.

 

My prior thoughts about this were that he would be in a Deaf school anyways and that he will always have Deaf friends, but I cannot and will not isolate him and limit his social circles so that he wont feel out of place. I want him to be a part of every kind of social circle and not feel frustrated when he wants to communicate.

 

OPPORTUNITY

 

I am his Mother and I just want to give him any opportunity I can and I want to support his decision whatever they may be as he grows up. If he ever says, Mom, I dont want or need this implant. I will help him throw it off of a mountain and will not question his decision.

 

Afterall, no matter what, we can communicate with him using ASL- he is Dead and always will be Deaf, with or without his implant and to us he is perfect, just the way he is.

 

We are going to give him the opportunity to access sound.

Next step: picking an implant device...

Cochlear? Med-El?

I am going to go and faint now, pardon me.... ugggffmfsmsmms

 

 

 

 

Micah Jose' Update

Micah Joe is such a funny little guy:) He is full of personality, he is vocal, and his signing is getting better and better each day.

He signs milk, Mom, Dad, want, up, and a few other signs that are emerging and he sometimes mixes sign. I have videos I need to post. He is such a little ball of joy and energy. I am so crazy about this kid and as you can imagine we all are;)

Micah has a new nanny, her name is Hope. He adores her and her boyfriend Casey, they both attend signing class on Mondays and are doing great!

I Loved our other nanny but I just couldnt afford to keep wonderful her.. Which made me sad but Hope is great too and much more affordable. Plus she brings Micah on adventures almost daily and is on the same diet as him so is able to cook things he can eat and knows what to purchase for him to eat when they are out and about.

OH! How could I forget, Micah started walking on New Years Eve!!! Now he is all over the place! He is even running:) He punches his arms about as he walks, it is pretty funny:)

We will find out from two cardiologists if Micahs heart is okay for surgery incase we consider the implant. We are getting two opinions before we decide what to do. I have been told that Childrens specializes in anesthesia for special needs and complications but I have so many questions......

The College Students Brit, Andrew & Stella

I finally got some responses from Deaf college students or college grads after posting an ad about discussing Deaf Culture and the Cochlear Implant.
The meeting went well and these three were incredibly patient with my suuuuuper slow and inaccurate ASL. I wish Rico came to this meeting it was eye opening.

Here are a few things that were helpful to know.

1- Stella has traveled to many countries after she graduated, she volunteered in Nepal and told me people in other countries have soon much patience and are happy to find a way to communicate. She said she had as easy a time as any foreign traveler that doesn't speak the native language in any country they visit. She said she never felt afraid or uncomfortable and met many other Deaf people during her travels.

2- I asked some questions about general safety and they all told me they don't feel like being Deaf makes them more vulnerable in any way and that in fact they are hyper aware and sensitive to their environment. Super alert and are some of the best drivers and bicyclist.

3- Two went to mainstream college where accommodations were made for them in the classroom. They had technology and not takers to assist them.

4- one has an implant the other two don't, she says people don't judge her for having one and that she signs and speaks and that she like to be able to hear music and environmental sounds but that sometimes she wants quiet and will turn it off. She said she is glad she got one but said she does wish she got it when she was a bit younger.

She says many of her friends chose nit to get one, like Stella and Andrew and she understands why.

Andrew told me how strongly he feels about how I'm giving Micah the foundation of ASL and that he thinks I shouldn't sign and speak at the same time. I found that interesting as you hear different opinions on this all the time.

I asked them what I can do to help Micah get the best education and got different answers but what stood out is that I must be a vigilant advocate for him and that the best school is CASD. (already planning on sending him there) and that mainstream school is OK but not the best for him socially.

They also said WA School for the Deaf in Vancouver is no good and behind academically... good to know! This was the best meeting I have had yet and I'm sooo glad I met these guys their info was so valuable!

Someone said to me

Hold your son close, in a moment ofserenity,  calm and quiet and open up your heart to hear his and ask him, "son, what is the right choice for you?"

 Be still, and listen and feel him with all your might and all your heart.

 

The answer will come to you.