a womb made warrior

oh you are mistaken littlest
of little ones
you will not grow to be
afraid of dark hallways and
shadows in the night
afraid of singing in front of crowds
or of being alone
you will not be left to
fight your greatest fights
or
face your deepest fears
a fragile glass like girl
with hope lost
in hopelessness
no no no
you will not
face a sunset
with the thoughts
of
the end.
You my girl, are not
doomed to be like him
-
you may have his eyes
his energy
his
lips
and charm
and all of that

but I did not
grow you in my belly from
molecules
to a beautiful strong
astounding young
womb made
warrior
-
so that you can give up
like him
I will not allow the world
to assign that fate to you my love
-
you my dear
were made with
a special something something
that will help you fight

the greatest fight

live long days
and the longest of nights

until you kiss some
precious baby toes
with your weathered lips.
toes and fingers
of which your own blood runs

you will see many moons and many suns
you will face many dark places with
a heart of fire

My dear girl
you are stronger than
you will ever know or comprehend
and you will never have thoughts of
the end.

* I was in a class that mentioned the high percentage of suicide among children who lost a parent by the suicide. At first I panicked, worrying that Teihani might be at a higher risk for suicide! My heart raced for what felt like days, everytime I thought of it..
I quickly signed us up for counseling and the whole bit, when to my surprise our counselor quit us. She said we didn't need her, that we communicate so well, and in such a healthy way that she thought our sessions weren't needed.
I realized, I had assigned the unnecessary grief to my girl, the possibilities that she was an exception to, and that with God, and all the love and support of those around her, she will be just fine.

Capoeirista Mami

Capoeira Capoeira Capoeira Capoeira:)

Last night Teihani and I went to Renton to join a mixed class group for training and an
open roda.
It felt amazing to train, I even went in the roda. Did some cartwheels (A'us) and al kinds of kicks and esquivas. It felt great, of course it did , capoeira is essential to the happiness of my soul. When I have to stay away for long periods, I feel all sorts of out of balance.

The only difference in my game, was my instinct to back away from my opponent rather then the up close game I usually play. Have to protect the belly, but once I started to realize I had more control
I'm not too sore today and I felt only a tiny bit nauseated.

Here are the perks, this way combined with yoga, I can really (try to ) keep my prego-bod in shape!
AND baby gets to learn about capoeira super early as she is hearing the drums, singing and music from inside my tum tum.
AXE'!!!!!!!!


Do believe I will be having my tiny little capoeirista training as soon as she can walk:)
Or maybe HE? I did have 2 dreams already that I had a Micah, instead of an Amaleha. So maybe that's a sign?? Either way, I cant wait to kiss and smell baby cheeks! lol

First Cri-mester is Over! Woo hooo!

I know it's supposed to be trimester but it has really been an awful couple of months. Hopefully ths 2nd trimester will bring with it, some normal feeling days! Fewer head aches, less nausea, an appetite and a libido. TMI?
Sorry...

So maybe, with the passing of this AWFUL morning sickness, I can re-gain focus on my creative aspirations.

Capoeira

THE SHOP

Jewelry Making

And Lumpia catering

It's time to get the ball rolling! Much to do, and hopefully I will now have the energy to make it all happen.

Oh here are the specs on the baby this week:)
She is the size of a big lemon now.. How precious! My sweet little lemon:)

I can feel her move already! Tiny little fluttering thumps on the inside of my lower tummy.

It is a miracle, new life.

I marvel each day at what miracles are happening in my body.
I am in Awww of the magic of it all.

I was snuggling Teihani and she told me she couldn't wait to have a baby brother or sister, it melts me how sweet she is with babies! She is a gentle nurturing love. She will be a tremendous helping hand. I am lucky to have the family that I have:) Might not be conventional, but it's just right for me:)

I'm such a UTI chicken!

So, last weekend we went to San Francisco.

When we were about an hour into the flight, I felt this crazy urge to go to the restroom, when I did, at the tail end I thought I was breaking in two! There was an intense pain in my lower abdomen, and I gripped the walls of that tiny friggen bathroom and almost screamed. What I had was the result of holding my pee too long for the nights before. Cause I got soo tired of running to the bathroom 5 times a night.
I cherish my sleep, and my constant urge to run to the toilet was messing with my beauty rest.
End result, the first Bladder Infection of my 33 years of LIFE.
A very common thing during pregnancy....
NO BUENO

So first thing I did when we landed was call my doctor.
NOTE TO SELF: If you have to leave a voice always leave your name and birth date, or no one will know who they heck you are. Lesson learned.

I ended up leaving a mystery message about having a UTI and when the nurse called me back (message which I got AFTER biz hours on a Friday) she reminded me that she couldn't pass on the message cause she didn't know who I was.
DUH!!!! So after kicking myself a few times -
I drank the nastiest cranberry juice on EARTH, and took some cystex. After 3 days, it finally got better. But those three days were some of the worst of my life, oh, and they were
the days of my vacation.
Lovely.
Luckily, the smiles of my lovely friends and family distracted me somewhat from my UTI and highly emotional self. (Example: on our road trip down to Gilroy I cried for about 25 minutes, on the down low, you know looking out the window hoping no one notices, because I felt bad for all the cows that I could see roaming their pastures unaware of their inevitable fate).
What? I am an animal softy....

Somehow though my daughter ALWAYS knows if I have been crying. I told her it was allergies, not to lie but to not start thinking about the animals again!

Long story short, never holding my pee again, ever.. Cuz I am officially a UTI chicken!

13th week of prego-hood:)

I am at my 13th week! Almost out of the first trimester (thank goodness!)
Although I am beaming with anticipation to meet my new little one, my body is feeling not so great.
Morning sickness now sticks around all day, and just about every food on earth makes me want to RALPH except for fruit.. So I live off of mintwater (peppermint of course) and lots of Fruit.

You can find Metro Mint at Whole Foods or QFC

They did the trick at first, now, not so much.

I am also adjusting to this new found pickiness about what I eat. I used to be something of an eat anything disposal of yummy foods. Now I am a total smell freak, fruit fiend and just about anything warm, doesn't appeal anymore.

I find myself asking myself, you don't like fries anymore? Who the heck are you?

In the midst of the madness, dealing with crazy deadlines at work, lots of after work STUFF and
taking care of my family, I have just been trying to remember that it is all for the best cause ever, LIFE!

We already have our NAMES I will tell you but you can't share it okay?
Our girl name (and I tell you I am sure we are having a girl)
just my gut instinct;)

It is:
Amaleha Monroe Cruz Israel

Amaleha (pronounced like Awmalayah) is a name that pays homage to one of my dearest friends, Margaret. Her Moms name was Amalea and she passed when Margaret was young. Margaret spoke of her and showed me many pictures of her and I knew that was where my good friend got her beautiful smile, outrageous kindness, peacefulness, and silly sense of humor. Making her one of my favorite people on the planet till this day. I have always called her my Sister and a huge part of me believes that she is.

Margaret's first Daughters name is "Maleha" So we Teihani and I , sat on her bed and brainstormed names, and she mixed Amaliah with Maleha and we came up with Amaleha Monroe.


(yes, yes I totally budged on the name Sparrow, it wasn't easy but I just couldn't get my family on board! I can still call her Sparrow though..

Our boy name:
Micah Jose Cruz Israel

We are NOT going to find out what we are having- we are going to be surprised, can you imagine, I mean who does that??
US that's who:)
Rico has been wonderful, he is the backrubbing, hand massaging, comforting, loving, and snuggly dream come true for me, he makes sure I have bedside water all the time, and he asks me a hundred times a day what he can to help me feel better. He wakes me up with a bunch of kisses to my face and belly every single morning, it is so very sweet..He always kisses belly and speaks to baby too.. I am sure baby loves that:)

He just gets me, I can be a raging lunatic and he just calmly makes me feel better and he never gets mad BACK. This for me is astounding.

He is peaceful and calming. I love him.

I have found that there are things I adore, and things I really can't stand right now like:

I love baby clothes
I despise meanies
I love puppies
I despise people that yank their dogs around on the leash! EASE UP WILL YA! poor dog
I love the sunset
I despise the cold...
I love oranges, starfruits, kiwis
I despise anything FRIED
I LOVE to snuggle with my daughter
I love her smell
I despise dirty floors Especially hard wood
I LOVE cardigan sweaters
I despise my skinny jeans.....

By the way I am soooo totally showing, like I am having twins or something, it is crazy!
BUT we have already had 3 ultra sounds, and we only saw one little peanut.. :(
Ta ta for now, off to Christian Faith Center for the Vision Conference! Woo hooo.
Would God be angry if I skipped church so I can go home and SLEEP.. I wonder:)

A New Baby!!!

Rico and I received some pretty surprising news! We are having a baby!
Now, between the two of us, we already have 3.
19, 16, and 12 years old.
Baby, makes 4:)

After the initial shock, and undeniable panic all due to the fact that we hadn't planned on having baby before having WEDDING. We were hoping to do that first..

I don't want to marry this man because I feel like a happy family has to consist of man wife and children. I think there are ABSOLUTELY many successful beautiful, loving and thriving families in all shapes and sizes, whether it be single Mom, single Dad, two Moms, Grandma and Cousin,two Dads, whatever it may be, family is family and they are NOT all the same. BUT they are all work of God, He makes NO mistakes!

Yes I am Christian, yes I support families of all types, it is not my job to judge, it is my job to love.

So, that being said, I just want to speak with my heart when I express that I want to marry him because I love him deeply, peacefully, contently, and infinitely. I think life is short!
Why not get married to the man I love?
That's why we are rushing, we don't know what tomorrow will bring...

Plus, let's face it, a baby-free honeymoon sounds ideal:)

We are now deciding how to shift things a bit to accommodate our newest little one.
I have no problem rockin' my wedding dress with a baby belly:)
My son said it would be the "most beautiful thing ever". How sweet:)

Yesterday was our first appointment, we have been acting as though we were maybe 6-8 weeks prego. But according to our doctor, we are more like 10-12. Tomorrow morning we will confirm the exact week, at our ultrasound.
Apparently, right now she is the size of a small lime!
I had a feeling I was a bit further along, but then, I noticed in my capoeira pants that I had a bit of a hardened baby bump.
I also, cant lay flat on my stomach!
All signs of nearing the end of my first trimester!
This is Sparrow, now.
She has little fingers, her brain is developing at 100 cells a minute!
Her tiny teeth beds are developing and even finger nails!
She has a tongue and lips and her spine is no longer tail-looking:)

Sparrow Amaliah Cruz Israel:)

Thats her name and I am sticking to it. The only other name I was really considering was Amaliah or Chloe.
Chloe Anuhea Cruz Israel
or
Chloe Amaliah Israel
Purty.
But I like Sparrow and her nickname will just be "bird"
Why Sparrow?
Because his eye is on the Sparrow, and I know he watches me.:)
Only a hand ful of people like it as much as I do, and that's fine, the questions is, how can I get RICO on board:)